Happy Father's Day...

For the last 25 years or so Father's Day has been my least favorite holiday because it has very little meaning to me and serves only as a reminder that I don't have anyone in my life that I can call "dad". Granted, I have a living father, but for the past ten years he hasn't contributed anything to my life other than his feeble attempts at trying to make me feel bad about myself for not being a better son. So every year, the "Father's Day Sale" commercials come on t.v. showing dads and their sons hugging and playing, the Hallmark stores hang their signs advertising special cards for dad, and the restaurants prepare for what will likely be a busy day as children enjoy the company of their father and express their gratitude and appreciation for everything he has done for them,...me?...well for the past ten years I have looked sadly upon the holiday, but that ends this year, TODAY.

Reflecting on what my father has done for me... well, he's made me become a stronger man because when I was 14 and going through my most difficult years of puberty, feeling ugly without any self worth, he looked at me when I could've used his encouragement the most and he said "Robert, you're too damn skinny! You need to put some meat on your bones!" Since that day I made it my mission to gain weight, work out and get the best body I ever could have. Thanks dad! I'm hot now because of you!

...He showed me first hand what's it's like to be in an abusive relationship because I witnessed as a child how he treated the ones he loved. I looked at how he acted and I swore that I would never treat my partner that way. As a result, I treat everyone I date with love, respect and manners. I am the most non-abusive individual you'd ever want to meet, and when I fell into that kind of abuse with a certain recent 14 month relationship here in Hawaii, I recognized it and my gut told me it was wrong and that I needed to break away. If not for my dad, I never would have been taught that valuable lesson.

...My dad showed me the importance of having hobbies and interests that were identical to his, and taught me that "real men hunt and fish", and if they didn't, they must be a "sissy". It must have been tough on him checking the mailbox to find letters from both the NRA (for him) and from Animal Rights Organizations (for me). Even tougher to be so disappointed to learn that your son had different interests.

My dad taught me that everyone has a breaking point. It's important to stand up for what you believe in. I can remember the day I came home from school and had it with his shit and when I stood up to him, he cracked me. The look on his face was priceless when after he slapped my ass I looked at him and said "Oooh, that felt good, do it again!" When he did it again, I dropped my drawers laughing, threw my bare ass in his face and said, "Again, but this time on my bare ass!" And when he reached for the piece of wood instead of his open hand, I wasn't afraid, I laughed. Seeing him lose control provided me with some sort of twisted satisfaction.

My dad taught me that everyone has their price - even the church. I mean, he paid one heck of a fee to get his annulment without my mom's consent. Doesn't that mean the marriage technically never existed in "God's eyes"? But if that were true, where did my sister Kelly and I come from? I mean, sometimes I know I have an ego, but I won't pretend to assume that I was immaculately conceived!

Well this year, I decided Fathers Day was going to be about me, not him. I woke up and the first thing I did was dial home. His line picked up, then hung up right away. Resisting the urge to take it as a sign, I did it again and this time he answered. The next 45 minutes was spent talking all about him...his pending hunting trips, his encounters with Lehigh Valley's finest women, his experiences with his brothers and sisters, the party he threw...yada yada yada. And yes, while technically this day is about him, this phone call was only the second time talking to him in about 10 years. I only started corresponding with him last year, 3 months into my Iraq deployment (that was the first time in 10 years). And I've only had 5 actual communications with him since then, a simple "How are you? How is Hawaii RJ? What are you doing with yourself? It's good to hear your voice..." would have made me as happy as a pig in shit. But hey, I called him because I wanted him to know that despite everything, I was thinking about him on this day, and I wanted to wish him well. After hanging up with him today, I felt like I did something good. Because after all is said and done, without your father (and mother), you wouldn't be on this earth and you wouldn't be living the life you are. And as much as we may hate to admit it, we have characteristics and tendancies of our parents. You can learn a lot about yourself from your folks. And looking back, I'm proud of the man I've become and I'm proud that I became the person I am because of myself (and of course my mom).

There's a lot of dysfunction out there in families, and there can be a lot to stay angry about, but its not healthy to hold on to hate. It eats you up inside. So today and every Father's Day forward, I'm letting go of all the hate I ever had for my pop. And while he's something of a crazy man, even he has his good moments. So I will honor him by thinking not of the bad times, the hurt or the pain, but the times where he made me feel good about myself - like in Iraq, when he wrote me a letter and told me he was proud of me. I think that was the first time I can remember him telling me that.

So to all the dad's out there, mine included - Happy Father's Day! Be sure to treat your sons right and appreciate them. As I go to sleep tonight, I know that my dad appreciated the phone call, and while I may not be the son he hoped for, and while he may not be the father I could hope for, I will respect him and love him just the same.

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I enclosed a few pictures from last night's Navy Corpsman Ball. My date Courtney and I had a blast! But don't get your hopes up mom, she's just a friend!!!

Soulmate

It's 9:58 pm on this Tuesday night. I'm sitting alone in my dining room. The lights are out, and I feel compelled to get this thought off my chest. Recent events have gotten me to think somewhat introspectively. I'm both a little nervous and a little excited about where I'll be in a year and where my life will take me next. But moreover, I'm interested to know who I'm going to spend my upcoming years with...

When I was a kid, I didn't know too much about how important it was to find your soulmate. I knew that I had Jan and that we would be best friends for the rest of our lives, and that was enough for me. It was a comfort for me just to know that there was one person out there in the world that I could trust - someone that I could share my innermost secrets with, someone that I could confess to, play with, cry on and grow with. But when I became a teenager, I realized that (contrary to some of our friends and family's predictions) we weren't betrothed to be married. So at about 22 I found out who I was and what I wanted. I knew that being RJ meant being a little different and that was ok by me. I still looked towards a dream that has been pretty steadfast since I was a child.

I love going to weddings. It's a pretty amazing thing to see two people commit to each other for the rest of their lives. I also love watching natural disaster movies (E.G., Cloverfield, The Day After Tomorrow, etc.) because inevitably there is a man and a woman who grow close together throughout the movie and they realize that no matter what the world dishes out to them - monsters, tornados, killers - in the end, as long as they have each other, they'll both be at peace. Everytime I watch one of those movies I think about who I'd want to be with in the end. That one person that if I met death, I could face it knowing I had their love and companionship. For many of you, you've found that person and my hats go off to you - don't ever take it for granted. You're truly lucky.

I know who my soulmate is. That person and I will be able to communicate without words. We'll be able to finish each other's sentences. We'll be able to look into each other's eyes and think that we're one in the same person. Yeah, we'll have our differences, but overall, it'll be like we're two pieces of a puzzle that just fit together. There may be disagreements, but there'll be compromise. There won't be drama. There won't be arguments. Bad times will be met together, hand in hand, like at the end of one of those movies. Distance won't be able to draw us apart. I firmly believe once you've met that person, it doesn't matter where they live. You will be drawn back to that person. That person lives inside your heart, and will live there forever, even if days, weeks, months or even years pass apart from one another.

The love that your soulmate brings is stronger than you've ever known, so it becomes very self evident. You wake up in the morning and they're the first person on your mind. When you go to bed at night, you lie in your bed with a smile on your face knowing that someone, perhaps even halfway around the world, is thinking of you. Stress and difficult times throughout the day are met with the comfort of knowing that in a few hours you'll get to talk to him/her and tell them what's been going on in your day - and you'll be just as excited to hear about how they are doing. When they're sick you want to take care of them. When you leave and they're still asleep you stop and just look at them still for a minute and smile. And for that moment you remind yourself about how lucky you are, and how happy you are. When your phone gets a text message you get giddy and excited thinking that it might be them checking in on you. Your soulmate appreciates you, accepts you and is proud of who you are - your faults and all.

So to everyone that has found their soulmate - don't ever take them for granted, and make sure they don't take you for granted either.

Alright, I'm going to bed.