Why do people talk on the phone when they are taking a shit? Ok, so for years now it has amazed me the things that go on when people sit on the toilet and crap. It has recently come to light that even more distubring things happen on the throne and I feel the need to put it out there to you all and let you all be the judge.
I have always felt that when you talk on the phone you send a "vibe" through the phone to the other person - you can call this vibe what you like - a feeling, a frequency, whatever, but if this is the case, what kind of a frequency are you transmitting while you poo? And moreover do you really want to have this personally delivered by Alexander G. Bell to your caller?
I have a friend who lives in San Fran who shall remain nameless who told me that not only does he frequently talk to people while sitting on the toilet, he also completes other tasts like check e-mail on his Blackberry and even eat cereal in the morning - while shitting! Ok, eating food on the toilet is where I draw the line. Mind you, if the lid were up, you pulled down your pants, sat on the seat and ate the entire bowl of cereal then wiped your dirty ass after, that might be borderline acceptable, but what if you finish pooing before you're done with the cereal bowl? Do you momentarily drop the spoon to wipe you bung whole then return to the Cocoa Puffs? This is unfathomable.
Victor, you pee, shit and belch loudly when you speak to me. I think we need to start implenting some phone discipline people! I don't care if I don't even know about it - don't try to sneak a bathroom break in when you're on the phone with me. Instead, say, "Hey RJ, I really need to use the restroom, may I call you back in a few minutes?" This readily solves the problem while giving you 2 hands to properly sanitize yourself after you evacuate.
The human body can be gross sometimes, understandibly so. And there are certain things which may be acceptable during conversation, but caution is advised with the advent of phones which have remarkable clarity - or with people who have their hearing aids turned way up on the other end. For example, today I passed flatus while on the phone with Mike. He didn't know and I didn't feel the need to say anything. I think this is an acceptable procedure, I mean stop and ask yourself, when was the last time you were on the phone with someone and farted? Now the tricky part is if you're one of those people that can't leave quiet farts and the entire world knows it when you do. I know I've talked to family members in Pennsylvania who shall remain nameless and I can recall hearing noises in the backround that certainly weren't gerbils.
Let's change the subject for a moment - can you crap in a public place? Ok, lets say you're one of those people that can, do you sit on the toilet and wait for the person next to you to flush the toilet so the noise might somehow cover up your explosive release? You know, Bose makes Noise Cancelling Devices for cars and earphones, why don't they place some in toilets that eat up the sound? This problem could be avoided altogether!
I was in the Best Buy bathroom and I did just that - I waited until the person next to me flushed to let loose, I knew it was going to be loud. I was sitting there on the toilet thinking how rediculous this was. I don't know these people. I'll probably never see these folks again, and even if I do know these folks, do you think they never pass gas or crap loudly. Please.
I've never been the type of person to sit for long periods of time on Thomas Crapper's famed invention either. It's all about business when I'm there, but the other day in Best Buy I was particularly contemplative. I was thinking about my Residency and what my next step in life is going to be. Guys - there is a program in Seattle that is very interested in me and would want me to start Feb 01 of this year. They'll let me start from a 2nd year position and not make me repeat my first year. It's heavily concentrated in OB (which I like), has a lot of Family Practice clinic, and the faculty is top notch. While Seattle wasn't my top choice, or even in the running, something is telling me that this is a great opportunity. Nevertheless, on the Best Buy crapper I exclamed (after I crapped and was by myself) "God, I wish I had a sign, something to tell me that this is what I'm supposed to do". Well, I exited the stall, turned around and above each of the 2 urinals in the bathroom was a framed picture of the Space Needle in Seattle! I was flaberghasted. I mean, what more of a sign did I need? It was little consolation days later to hear one of my friends tell me "Maybe that meant that you should piss the idea away..." Hmmm....
So other than my on-going residency applications, lot's of other exciting things have been going on. For those of you that don't know, one of my past times is making movies. I've made a few to date, a documentary and a horror movie entitled "Halloween: The Oahu Massacre". But recently I was asked by two of my friends to be the Videographer for their wedding. I was so excited. This was a chance to really do something professional. AND if it works out, I could do this on the side for some extra money and as a creative outlet! So I went to Best Buy and bought a high definition Video Camera and all the accessories for it. I also sold my old computers and ordered a top of the line Sony Viao computer that has the capability to burn to a Blu Ray Disc. This is cutting edge technology guys! So their wedding is at the end of August. I'll let you know how my first wedding project goes. (You didn't think "Wedding Bells" in the title was a reference to me did you?)
I'm currently finishing the manuscript for another movie I'm doing, Halloween Part 2! This movie is going to be amazing. I'm flying my friend Josh in from Phoenix to play the part of Michael Myers and all of my friends are excited to be a part of it. It will be so much more of a big deal than my first one. I've ordered props, given Michael Myers a makeover and I'm going to be shooting all over the island for this! I am soooo excited about it. Anyone that wants a Blu Ray Disc copy of the movie can order it when I'm done.
Finally, I have to tell you about this burger I had today. It was like sex in my mouth I swear. I went to this new joint in Waikiki called "Burgers on the Edge". It was very trendy which meant very expensive. I spent 18.88 on a burger called "The Parisian" - 1/2 pound Wagyu Beef (that's Kobe beef but grown on American soil not Japanese), with foie gras, carmelized apples and onions and drizzled with a port wine reduction. It was served with shoestring fries drizzled in white truffle oil and parmesian shavings. Oh my God guys. To die for!
That's it for now.
I want to take the opportunity to wish my friend Anthony Interrante good luck. He just deployed to Landstuhl, Germany for a year. While he has never commented, he folows this blog as well. Like all of our military, we wish him Godspeed and safe travels. But since I know him well, I'll also give him this bit of advice..."Stay out of trouble!!!"
Please comment on your thoughts about "activities while shitting" and about my Seattle opportunity. By the way, if anyone knows any doctors in the San Fran, L.A. or San Diego area that are affiliated with a hospital that can put in a good word for me to get me an interview at a Family Medicine Residency program, please let me know. Thank you.
Aloha.
PS As of August 1st, 2008, I am now a Lieutenant Commander in the Navy! I was promoted!!! There will be a ceremony to "pin the rank" on me on Tuesday. More to follow...
