1 Fly, 1 Mosquito, 1 Gnat & Balls of Mud

I came to a realization this morning. People say that this country is infested with flies, gnats and mosquitoes, but I disagree. I have a theory. I think that when each soldier checks in on base, they are assigned 1 fly, 1 gnat and 1 mosquito, just like they are assigned their rifle, ammunition and gear. These 3 insects each take an 8 hour shift and while they're on shift they constantly fly around your head, land on your nose, seeing how far in your ear they can get without getting stuck, seeing if they can make a landing on your eyeball and release before the blink comes, etc. Their work is hard and continues until one of several outcomes occurs. Either their shift ends and they rest in a clandestine place like the back of your head or your butt crack, or they sadly get killed if that perfect moment occurs when they land on your thigh and you time it just right to smash it. Thus far, I've killed the mosquito and the gnat and now it's only the fly that's left. It flies around me 24/7, wherever I go. And when it's not flying around me (like in the john), I know its landing on and sucking poo just so it can torment me and land on my lips a few moments later. But I think it's getting tired. I find him resting more, and it senses it can't keep up with the increased flight demands now that his comrades have been eliminated. This morning however, something happened that would change his fate forever...

This morning I woke up to a beautiful clear blue sky. As I walked to the shower, the light coming inside the windows of the hall diminished and I thought there was an eclipse. I walked to the door and as I turned the corner, the barracks' hallways were filled with sand. Within a minute the biggest sandstorm that I have yet to bear witness to fell upon us. Visibility was decreased to ten feet in front of you like a giant orange fog. I showered and was ready to head to the chow hall, so I decided to go out in it (if you know me then you know I LOVE weather phenomenon). I donned my goggles and boonie cover and trekked out side, it was amazing. It was like being in the middle of an orange tornado. Suddenly I felt a single splat on my back, and I thought a bird had shat on me, but then I figured, no bird would be able to fly in this, "What was that?" Then another splat, and another, and I finally realized - it started to rain as big as hail, but when the rain passed through the sandstorm, it picked up all the sand and turned into balls of mud! Within minutes my flight suit, pistol and goggles were covered in mud. It was so cool! People were screaming & running for cover! The Ugandan guards were swearing something in Swahili that I couldn't understand and it was like some sort of demonic plague had fallen upon us. I laughed of course because I was enjoying myself.

Anyway, I made it to the chow hall and when I walked inside, everyone was just standing around. I then noticed a flap of the tent's roof had blown off and like a wind tunnel, a stream of sand was coming into the chow hall, depositing itself onto the salad bar, the buttered noodles, the barbequed beef brisket and the pecan pie stand. The chow hall Commander stopped serving lunch and made all the Indian attendants cover the food in Reynold's Wrap and move to the corner with masks over their mouths. Well, the Marines were getting antsy and hungry and after ten minutes thought, "Hey, if I made it all the way here in this freakin' storm, the least you can do is feed me!" So after not too careful consideration, they said, "Ok, if you want to eat sandy food, so be it!" So I ate my buttered noodles and my barbequed beef brisket, and although it was a little sandy, it tasted alright.


But wait, it gets better! Because the winds were so strong, the flies that were all trying their hardest to fly around their assigned Marines were faltering. Their fly radius kept increasing as the winds blew them here and there until eventually ALL of the flies on base got sucked into the wind tunnel and got blown into the chow hall with the sand through the flap that blew off in the tents roof. So now, as I sat there eating my gritty Pecan Pie, I looked around at the cloudy sandy air and there were thousands of flies! (And only about 50 Marines in the place), so instead of 1 fly per Marine, the ratio increased to 20 flies per Marine! You couldn't eat because they were flying everywhere, on your food, on your face, your hands, the sippy straw of your milk, EVERYWHERE! Even the flies that were supposed to belong to the Marine that was sitting next to you were up in your grill. I eventually got up, not having finished my gritty pecan pie, and ran out of the place. As I turned back exiting the door, I saw all the Marines with their hands swinging in the air to knock the flies off of them. It was a sight to see!

I walked back to my barracks, through the now thick & muddy sand and when I arrived, my boots weighed an extra 10 pounds because of the 6 inches of mud that was stuck to the bottoms of them.

All in all, it was an extremely exciting day, and as I sit here, typing peacefully in my office, the night sky is clear and filled with stars, and my fly is gone - sadly hunting high and low for his master. Will we ever meet again........?