CANCUN Part 2: The Crush

Love is a tricky business for sure and it’s impossible to protect yourself against matters of the heart. You can tell yourself all day long not to fall for someone or to “be careful”, but the reality is that you relinquish the control over your heart from the moment it takes its first beat. Your heart doesn’t judge, it only feels, and for this reason it can sometimes lead us astray. Sometimes, just when we think we’ve found true love and found the one that we’re meant to be with for the rest of our lives, something happens to make us realize that we were way off. This past week in Cancun I reflected about my last relationship, while meeting someone who taught me not to give up on love and happiness…

Being in an abusive relationship and living through it can be an empowering experience; however living in it can be one of the most pain-staking, challenging, frightening and heart breaking roller coasters you’ve ever ridden. I know because I spent 14 months being in one, 7 months suppressing the fear, anger and love that I felt every day because of it, and finally another 6 months getting over it, growing stronger and more confident with each passing day, re-learning how to feel good about myself and re-learning to listen to my gut when it tells me something is wrong. Despite all that, I believe the only way you can fully recover from such an experience and truly get over one of those relationships is by feeling love again – or at the very least having a taste of it...

This past week in Cancun I met someone pretty amazing. Let me start by saying that when I first laid eyes on this individual, my heart stopped, my head turned and a rush of adrenaline shot through my body like I had just chugged a Rockstar (that’s an energy drink like Red Bull Mom). It was kind of like living Emile de Beck’s famous words except instead of a “crowded room” it was a crowded beach party. Anyway, I digress. The feelings in that moment, unbeknownst to me at the time, were mutual and it was just a matter of time before we were going to speak to one another (and since RJ is the confidently attractive person that he is, that took all of about 3 ½ minutes).

That first night in Cancun was the beginning of an amazing week spent with an amazing individual. Swimming and horsing around in the ocean like kids, taking turns holding on to each other’s backs as we skipped across the green ocean waves on Jet Skis, dancing in the club together to our favorite songs, exchanging glances at each other from afar, jumping on each other’s backs for piggyback rides in the pool – and kissing underwater when no one was looking (or so we thought). And when it came for my last night in Cancun, RJ wasn’t found at 3 am dancing away drunk in the club, instead, the two of us were in each other’s arms, lying on some oversized pillows under a grass hut, staring up at the endless number of stars that were shining so bright in the Mexico sky that night, with the sound of the ocean waves crashing in the backdrop and the swaying palm trees blowing a soft warm breeze against our bodies. I was mesmerized and content in every way. Smart, sexy, confident, mature, secure, healthy, playful, affectionate & successful. They had it all. And then the last day came and we parted ways. I tried my hardest to hold it all in as a tear ran down my eye. To quote Jordin Sparks, it was like “trying to breathe with no air” (ok, maybe that’s a little dramatic – but it really sucked). This one week crush was over and nothing could bring it back.

So what does this have to do with anything you might say? Well, this person gave me a lot more than just a roll in the hay and a couple of good smiles. The time we spent together showed me a glimpse into my future – a future that my last relationship tried to rob me of. You see, when a relationship doesn’t work out, we tend to lose hope in ever “finding the one” or living “happily ever after”. We lose confidence in ourselves and in our dream. It hurts. Sometimes we cry at night, sometimes we look for love in all the wrong places, and sometimes we try to fill the void with meaningless validation that we’ll get from anyone or anywhere. But this past week I discovered happiness once again. I got to experience what it felt like to not have a care in the world and just live in the moment with someone. I got to stare into someone’s eyes and know that they liked me too. I got to have my dream back again and it seemed possible and exciting all over again. It made me realize that there ARE other fish in the sea (fish may be a poor choice of words), that there ARE great people still out there and that great things are still to come my way. And you know what? You never know when and where you’re going to find happiness – or when love will find you. And to quote my good friend Malcolm who gave me a little pep talk about this week “If all it was was an amazing week, then enjoy it and be happy in the comfort that there’s someone out there that really cares about you. Sometimes that can be enough”.

Now let me stop and tell anyone reading that I have very little faith in a future with this person, as this person already has a solid future ahead of them – one that I would never interfere with and one that I am extremely excited about (for their sake). Am I jealous of it? Sure, a little. But I know I’m going to find happiness one day too. Truth be told, the two of us only know that we hit it off physically and have a few things in common, but we barely know each other. Who knows if we’d ever even be compatible in a relationship beyond a 1 week vacation crush?

Even so, to the person out there that I shared this past week with – thanks for a fantastic week and thanks for giving me feelings that I haven’t felt for a very long time. It was nice, even if transient. And for the next couple of days I might mope around a little, it’ll seem like everywhere I turn (including both of the plane rides homes) that a movie about some love story will be on, or that sad songs will seem just a little sadder. I know that a few more tears may come out when I’m in the confines of my own room in bed at night, but know this - I look forward to keeping in touch with you as one of my new friends and I look forward to seeing you again when our paths may next meet.
Yes, love can be a tricky business for sure, but to all of you reading this who have had problems, keep up the hope, and for all of you that have found love, enjoy it, and live in that moment! For there’s nothing quite like it in the world. (And be careful, because there’s a lot of jackasses out there who will abuse your vulnerability when you’re in that moment) 