Adventures in La La Land Part 1: “RJ Arrives and the Earth Quakes”

It’s a land where dreams are lived, where advertisements are displayed on vibrant LCD billboards in the sky and movie stars grace the cobblestone streets. Where the population wipe their asses with flushable baby wipes and everyone has a skin care regimen. In this mythical land, monthly gym membership costs exceed 150 dollars and people pay 50 dollars for their cars to be hand washed. Pets stay in luxury Pet Hotels that are nicer than The Four Seasons and personal messieurs will massage your canine for a mere 500 bones. The internet may be free, but the parking is not and no where will you find a parking “lot” - all spaces are subterranean and a trip to the local Target can easily become a 10 dollar parking adventure, if you’re lucky enough to escape without being hit, dented or honked at. In this land of 450 dollar Chanel sunglasses and hundred dollar haircuts, attitudes are free but the drinks are not, and if you don’t have money, you better fake it like you do. Yep, this is L.A.! And let me tell you people – I’ve never seen anything like it before.

My first week here has been eventful and Angelina & I have been exploring this strange, new land with eyes wide open. She loves the new GPS maps that are displayed on her screen and she’s excited that here on “the mainland” she can pick up the XM Radio signal. She’s had to toughen up a little bit though, after a bully parked beside her and assaulted her last night! While she left the altercation (that I never witnessed) with nothing more than a driver side door scratch – she was quickly reminded that there’s no ‘aloha’ in this place! In fact, just this morning she was feeling particularly cocky, all shiny and proud, until a 2009 black Lamborghini pulled up right next to her. The freshly suited model driver and the billion dollar boob job sitting in the passenger seat simultaneously looked over at her, unimpressed. Angelina didn’t bat an eye, but as the light turned green, Angelina was left coughing up exhaust.



As for me, I’ve done a lot for a mere week. I joined an overpriced gym named Equinox. And while there are perks - unlimited lavender scented towel service , a eucalyptus steam room, a staff that cleans your treadmills and picks up your weights after you, interactive cardio equipment synced with the dozens of Plasma TVs and the tip of the iceberg – a FREE, yes I said FREE Equiniox tee shirt (100% cotton), it just doesn’t seem worth $153./month to be able to say that I got a gay stare from former ‘N Sync star JC Chasez, or to say that when I was doing incline dumbbell curls, Fabio stopped to ask me if I was “finished using my weights”. (Incidentally I said “No”.)

I signed a lease on an amazing place called “The Rob Clark”. (www.therobclark.com) It’s right on Beverly Street near all the famous stores, where the paparazzi chase down the stars every day. Last night I had to make a trip into Beverly Hills to meet my landlord and I shared an elevator up from the parking garage with some famous older actress whose name I of course could not place. But the highlight of my night was when Meadow Soprano (what’s her real name??? Jamie-Lynn Sigler I think) looked at me when I passed her on the street. She looked at me like I was a cockroach. Anyway, my landlord seems really nice – he’s 22 years old and his large solid gold watch that had some really long name probably costs more than what I’m worth, many times over. I think he was gay and at first I was intimidated at this meeting by his ‘glam’, but I decided to turn the tables by taking off my sweatshirt revealing my tight black tank top underneath. His 120 pound frame started to quiver while beads of sweat started to form on his forehead, as he lost focus and caved in when I asked him to let me occupy the premises a week early and provide me with an extra remote and spare key to the place. Hey, my grandmother always said that the rich and famous pee and shit in the same pots that we do, and while that may be true, it can be nice to have a good looking body and a set of baby blue eyes to flash when your wallet doesn’t come through for you sometimes.

My second night here I met with my long time friend Armando, who invited me to a movie premiere at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre. It was awesome! We walked in and the actors of the film (who weren’t that famous since it was a horror movie) were on the red carpet getting their pictures taken. It was very surreal. Then, just before the movie began, a very loud sound occurred and the building shook momentarily. I looked puzzled but then Armando looked at me and said, “Earthquake”. It was so cool but the tremor came in at a mere 4.5 on the Richter Scale and it wasn’t “The Big One” that I’m convinced is going to happen at some point during my time here.

I went to work to stop by and fill out some paperwork and the Program Director gave me a great big hug. That put me at ease a bit. I don’t start orientation until Jan 26th and my first official day is slated to be Feb 1st. I have to say I’m excited to start working again after months off, and I’m even more excited at the notion of a paycheck – because this town is freakin’ expensive! I haven’t registered my car with CA plates yet, but I hear even that is several hundred dollars!

I’m very fortunate to have some friends in this town – Eli, Jacquie, Armando, Luciano, Joey…and they’ve been very hospitable, introducing me to people and taking me to some great places for brunch and dinner. Eli, Jacquie and I went for a great hike to Runyon Canyon on Sunday to enjoy the beautiful, sunny 85 degree weather that we’ve been experiencing all week. All of my friends are saying that I brought some ‘aloha’ with me.



I even met a pretty great guy,…he’s cute (ok, very sexy), he seems genuine, intelligent, ambitious, and accomplished for his age (29). We have a lot in common – we’re both world travelers, both Sagittarians, both positive, optimistic guys who believe that nothing in this world is impossible. It’s too soon to tell where this new relationship is going, but if it turns out to be nothing more than friends, it’s given me hope that there are quality guys in this city and not just the shallow, superficial, stuck up types that I’ve been forewarned about.

Well, that’s about it for now. My goods don’t arrive until Jan 22nd so I’ve been crashing on Eli’s floor. While I’m grateful, I’m looking forward to moving into my new place. I leave you with my address and some pics of this past week.

Dr. Robert J. Matyas II
141 South Clark Drive
Unit 103
West Hollywood, CA 90048

PS - if you haven't seen my new facebook video entitled "Hollywood", check it out!!!
:)