Cinco de Mayo Festival!

So the other day, May 4th, I had an idea. And if you know me, you know that I get some crazy ideas in my head. Well, one of the ladies from Soldier's Angels sent me a box filled with plain tortilla chips. I thought this was a little odd until I got a second box 3 days later that said, "Box 2 of 2". This one was filled with salsa, jalapenos, and cheese. So I got the idea to have a party for Cinco de Mayo (that's May 5th in case you're thinking "I'm not following you"). So for my party I envisioned Nachos, Mexican music, some Mexican food, some fine Cigars, some cheap beer and of course, a pinata.

So I went on line and typed into google "Pinata How To Make" and hit 'search'. Instantly I was transported to a set of instructions on authentic pinata making. It was simple - it said, start with a balloon, blow it up, then take Elmer's glue mixed with water and attach some newspaper to the balloon with the glue. Then take several layers, let dry overnight, paint, cut and fill with candy. EASY!!! (right?)

So I hunted high and low for a balloon but alas, none were to be found in the middle of this Iraqi desert. So I wracked my brain for what I could use as a potential substitute...then it hit me - A CONDOM! We had plenty of those here in Medical (since no one was aloud to have sex per the squadron order). So I took one out of the package and opened it up. Then I unrolled it and wiped off the Nonoxyl-9 lubrication from it (we only had the spermicidally lubricated kind) and then got ready to blow. Once fully blown up we tied it off and had our pinata shell. Next we needed to find glue. Once again I hunted high and low for Elmer's glue, but the only thing we found were a few glue sticks and some tubes of super glue. I feared the super glue would eat through the latex so I took the glue sticks and put them in the microwave thinking they would melt, then I could add water to the liquid. Well, 30 seconds on high caused the glue sticks to burn, turn brown and stink. So I was back to the drawing board. What could I use that was sticky enough to hold? Then it hit me... the lube!

So we shredded some newspaper and took the lubricant and put 2 squirts on each piece. It was suprisingly very adhesive to the condom. With each layer we would wet the newspaper and let it dry (and given the 105 degree temps lately, that took all of about 10 minutes outside). After 5 layers, my corpsmen HM1 Allday tookover. He's an exceptional artist and he made the pinata in the shape of Olaf, our squadron Mascot, the Ugly Angel. Once painted, I cut a slit in it, filled it with candy and hung it in the chow hall.

I downloaded some really cheezy Mexican music, I bought the squadron a few cases of non-alcoholic beer, which was Iraq's equivalent of Milwaukee's Best or Natural Light Ice - only sans alcohol. I made the Nachos and distriubted a bunch of cigars that were sent to us from a gentlemen in California and thus began our festival! Our Seargent Major, a heavy weightlifter and biggest guy of our squadron was up to take the first swing with a police batton that someone in our squadron had. He spun around 5 times, closed his eyes, swung with all his might, and almost took out one of the Marines. Several people later, the pinata was busted open as candy spilled out to everyone's delight. The non-alcoholic beer looked like beer, smelt like beer and even tasted like beer, but after one can, I had a headache, felt bloated and gassy and there was no satisfaction of a buzz. It was very disappointing.

Later that night my Major asked me, "Hey Doc, how did you manage to make a pinata out here?" I replied, "It all started with a condom, some lube and a dream". He answered, "Like so many other things in life..." We laughed and thus the lube saga continues.