Hawai'i Dreamin'

Fresh Ahi Sashimi. Mochi ice cream from Bubby’s Ice Cream Parlor. A Teriyaki Mushroom and Swiss Burger from Teddy’s Bigger Burgers. A pint of freshly brewed Fire Rock Ale from Kona Brewery. Sailing in the Sandbar off Kaneohe Bay. Shrimp Scampi from Giovanni’s Shrimp Truck. The sunrises over Diamond Head and the sunsets on Waikiki Beach. Snorkeling in Hanauma Bay with Hawaiian Sea Turtles. Staring out at Chinaman’s Hat. Friday night dancing in Honolulu clubs. The sweet smell of a fresh Tahitian Ginger Lai. The fiery glow cast by Tiki Torches. The distant sound of locals saying ‘Aloha’. Wearing ‘slippers’ everywhere you go.

Sirloin overcooked to the consistency of shoe leather. The dreaded runny & cheesy cauliflower. The daily smell of the compost driving past the Ugandan checkpoint. The sight of the smoke from the ever-burning pile of trash in the distant corner of base. Rancid tasting “long-lasting” milk in juice boxes. Navy showers limited to 3 minutes of water. Body odor. Foot fungus. 130 degree heat. Crapping in port-o-jons. Listening to others crap in port-o-jons. Taking the bus everywhere. No days off. Snakes, Spiders and Scorpions. The thin venire of dirt that lies on everything. The sounds of rifles firing, bombs blasting, jets soaring, warnings announcing and things trying to break in through my window.

Today a Marine came to me with symptoms of fatigue, problems sleeping & night sweats. At first I thought it might be a cold or maybe side effects from the Anthrax vaccine that I’ve been busy giving my squadron. But once I took some time to sit down with him and ask him some further questions, I discovered this was not the case. He began to tell me his story, that before he left for Iraq, he got his ex-girlfriend, his first and only true love, unintentionally pregnant. He mailed her $1,500. for a mutually agreed upon abortion several months ago and has been talking to her offering support ever since. Two weeks he found out that she never got the abortion and that she was lying to him for months. She spent his money away. Then, he got an e-mail from her parents stating that during delivery of the baby there were complications and both she and the baby died! Her parents are now asking the Marine for money to help cover the funeral expenses. When I asked the Marine if he had told his mom, he said that when his parents divorced at age 15, his mother told the four children, of mixed ages between 10 and 16, that she could no longer afford them and that they would have to leave the house. So he dropped out of high school to get a job and find a place to live. So he doesn’t have a good relationship with her. But I digress. So this Marine has been trying to deal with all of this by himself without telling anyone and it’s starting to take a physical toll on his body (from the mental burden he’s been under). I sat with him for a while, and we eventually made our way down to the base counselor for some professional help (his first visit ever to a counselor). By the end of the day he said that he felt a whole lot better, just getting it off his chest and talking about it with someone else.

Having heard that, it sure puts my rancid milk and dirty hands into perspective. I know I’ve said this before, but too many people take for granted what they have. In this world, where the average Marine is littered with social, economic, financial, physical and mental problems, it makes me feel grateful, not just for me but for them too. When Americans back home think about their men fighting in Iraq, I wonder if they think that their attentions are solely on the mission, on the battle or the task at hand. The truth of the matter is that each of these men have their own personal struggles, just like everyone back home – even more so considering the demographics of Marines, no offense or prejudice intended, just stating the facts from my SgtMaj. The only difference is, that these men aren’t at home, they’re here, in the middle of war, dealing with not only the mission at hand, but also trying to manage their personal lives. THIS is what makes war difficult for these guys. The separation, being away from their friends and family and when faced with problems, not being able to go home to resolve them, or sometimes not even being able to call home given the interrupted lines of communications here on base. Marines go to bed at night thinking about how their pregnant third trimester wives are holding up, trying to take care of 2 kids and the third on the way. They sit with their guilt for missing their grandparent’s funeral because the command would only grant leave for first degree relatives. They get scared that their girlfriend, the only person that they have in the world, might misinterpret a base-wide phone blackout for a lack of desire to call on their part. They go to bed at night physically exhausted and overworked, needing caffeine and energy drinks to make it through their 14 hour work day, 7 days a week. They fear that they might get shot at once again on their flight the next day or that they might break down in the middle of the hostile desert. They cry as a loved one, like their mother, is dying of lung cancer at home and not only can’t they be with her, but they can’t quit smoking themselves. I give great credit to the strength and courage of each of these Marines for doing what they do day in and day out. Your troops, for the most part, are not made up of self-confident and mature adults who come from the middle class with great parents, great family upbringings and tons of friends. Your troops are 19-23 year old glorified adolescents who come from difficult social and economic backgrounds who trust in what the Marine Corps has given them and pray that their efforts will one day be looked upon with pride. That they have made the right decision in their lives by joining the military.

Today is the 15th of the month and like most military personnel, my life revolves (at least in part) around the 1st and 15th of every month. Pay day! You know, this deployment really has been a great thing for me. I told Jan before I left that I’d probably learn a lot about myself and that it would probably put a lot of things into perspective for me – that it would be great for me in many ways to be here. That was the truth. I feel a sense of purpose here. (My ‘mission of aloha’ as it was named before I left) I’ve gained a new founded sense of importance and pride in what I do, both as a Doctor and as a Lieutenant in the Navy. I have gotten myself into the best physical shape of my life and I no longer let the scale be the judge of me, I feel good and I look healthy. I have gotten myself completely out of credit card debt and I am currently sitting in the best financial place I have ever been in. Finally, I feel like I am in the best mental and emotional place of my life. I’ve reconnected with many of my long lost friends and even my own father, who I haven’t had communication with for 7+ years. I’m sleeping better than I ever have and I’ve gained self-confidence and my sense of self back. A friend of mine said to me a few months back, “It took you being in the middle of a war zone”. Well, sometimes life is funny that way. I guess when you’re isolated, half-way around the globe and not around anyone you truly know, you start to find yourself and re-connect with the person you are.

Dan – thanks for the care package! What a great trip down Seattle memory lane. I’ll write you more soon. Lazaro – thanks for the CDs, nothing like some new club music straight out of Miami! Soldiers Angels – I have a post coming up to thank you personally for all of your sentiments. Victor, Mom, Anthony, - I can’t wait to get the packages you’ve mailed out. Thanks to everyone for their support! These small tokens of appreciation have meant the world to me and have kept me going!

Finally, I want to let all of my friends in Hawaii know that they are in my thoughts and prayers as Hurricane Flossie passes by, hopefully without any true damage or loss.

67 days to go.