Top O' The Morning To Ya

This morning I awoke early, and my first thought, lying there in a hypnagogic state in my rack was - "I should take a trip with my mom to Ireland". I'm not sure why this thought came to my mind, but it did. I fell back asleep for a little while but on the way to lunch I had the thought again. Every year around this time I entertain the idea, but something always prevents me from following through with it. My mom has been saying for years that she wants to go back to Ireland and this year would seem to be perfect - I'll have the time off, my mom is in a job where she could take the time off, I'm in a great financial place to afford a trip for the two of us and what a perfect idea in lieu of a "Welcome Home Party", which seems to be a bad idea, to spend some quality time with my mom! Still, I wanted some sort of sign that I should move forward with this idea, and then on the walk back from the chow hall - there it was. I saw it from about 100 feet away - an emerald, shining crystal clear, just lying there in the sand! I couldn't believe my eyes and at first I thought I was hallucinating. I mean, I've seen a lot of strange things left in the sand since my arrival here - coins, jewelry, etc, but an emerald, no way! Selling an emerald this size, (walking towards it I saw that it was about the size of a bottle cap, maybe a little larger), would surely pay for an amazing trip. In fact, I thought how it may even pay for most of my Acura - for sure it would pay for loads of Margaritas in Puerto Vallarta. Where would I sell an emerald this size? Did it fall out of a ring? Would someone be looking for it? - No, I'm sorry, finders keepers, I wasn't giving it back, this was fate, THIS WAS DESTINY - this was...... a Green Apple Jolly Rancher that someone had just spit out of their mouth, still glistening and shimmering with spit :( Nevertheless, it was still the sign that I needed.

I called my mom up when I arrived at work. Waiting for 5 hours until an appropriate East Coast time killed me, but I decided to spend the time looking into Ireland Vacation Packages on-line. To my surprise, there were lots, and at reasonable prices! Everything from staying in 5 star castle hotels to staying in cozy Bed & Breakfasts or Cottages in the country. Even Aer Lingus, the Irish airline, offers deals. I started to think about how great it would be to be sitting with my mom in an Irish Pub on my birthday December 19th with a foamy lip from the Guinness I'd be sipping on. That was it, I couldn't wait another moment - I just had to call my mom.

The phone rang and it was 8 am in Bethlehem, PA. My mother was in her own hypnagogic state, but I woke her up and said, "Are you sitting down?" She replied, "I'm still lying in bed, yeah, what's up?" "I had a thought"...Now usually, and Victor can surely verify, whenever I spit out those words, a bomb is about to be dropped. God knows I've dropped lots of bombs on you Victor - my "epiphanies". Anyway, my mom took a deep breath, cracked a little smile that I could feel through the phone and she finally replied, "O.k., go ahead, what?" Then I threw it out there, "What do ya say you...and me...around December 15th through the 22nd or 23rd...take a vacation to Ireland?" Her first response was one of someone that didn't believe me to be serious, but once she knew I meant business, she made plans to go to the AAA on Friday and look for vacation packages - I said I would equally research it on-line and together we would come up with a vacation that we would remember for the rest of our lives!

It's amazing what can become of a single thought. I woke up and because of my thought, in less than 3 months I could be snuggling up to the fireplace in an Irish cottage sipping on some Jameson - yeah mom, I know I'm not the biggest fan of the Jameson, but I promise that on this trip with you in Ireland, I'll have at least one Jameson drink. (Mind you my mother swears that Jameson Irish Whiskey, which she used to rub on our teeth when we were babies and teething, "goes down your throat like water". She'd even say that "nothing gets rid of a cold like a good shot of Jameson". Kathy Sweeney, your whole family is Irish - I know you would probably agree. Anyway, I digress.) So the day is going to end with me lying in my bed thinking about Bailey's and Cornbeef & Cabbage, and Leprechauns dancing. I can't wait to go with you - this Green Apple Jolly Rancher that I'm putting in my mouth right now goes out to you and me mom! Top O' The Morning To Ya! Here's to planning an amazing trip together!

Tears of a Clown?

Last night I started reading a book that one of the Soldier’s Angels sent entitled ‘On Call in Hell – A Doctor’s Iraqi War Story’. In it, this Doc was responding to a Corpsman who was shot in the chest in Fallujah. So with bullets whizzing past him left and right, he ventured through the city with a small group of Marines in order to rescue the injured Corpsman. Lying in my rack with my headlamp reflecting some red light off of the page to read, I started to have some really depressing thoughts. Transient as they were, it made me think about how useless my job here has been – how I really haven’t done much here and how I haven’t been on the front lines fighting or rescuing anyone. At that moment, for the first time during this deployment, a tear fell from my eye.

The past 2 days I’ve been giving briefs to the squadron, along with the Chaplain, and yesterday the Chaplain made some interesting comments. He said, “This has been the dullest deployment. It has been truly boring, but that boredom has brought with it its own type of stress.” He went on to explain that it can take a toll on Marines to live in the same 2 mile radius of land day in and day out with nothing to do. Finding creative things to do is very important for everyone’s physical and mental well-being. It suddenly made me think about some of the things I’ve done with my deployment – try to learn how to type (an unsuccessful endeavor), make a movie about all of my friends (success), hit the gym a lot and get a great, in-shape body (success), keep a blog (success), write to relief organizations like the Soldier’s Angels, etc. I started thinking that there are different types of strength – that it can take just as much strength to do your job every day to the best of your ability and with pride in such a harsh environment in the same 2 miles of land as it can to be closer to harm’s way in the "front lines". Now I know that pretty much everyone would agree they’d rather be here than being shot at in Baghdad, but the two scenarios are apples and oranges. And it’s not fair to compare one to the other, since each is filled with its own unique challenges.

The Marines that I have had the honor of working with over the past 7 months have shown incredible resolve. No, they haven’t been on the front lines, losing limbs and firing against Iraqi insurgents in hand-to-hand combat, but we have been flying on missions where insurgents have shot at our choppers trying to shoot us down. We have transported insurgents who have stared us down with suspicious looks just waiting for us to show a moment of weakness so that they could take advantage of it. We have driven past IEDs right here on base without knowing it. Would that be considered “the front lines”? It certainly doesn’t make our picture any prettier than the picture of the Doctor in Fallujah, and I certainly don’t think Marines should be any less praised or recognized for their accomplishments when they return home, just because they didn’t use their rifle…

I was giving some thought to throwing a holiday party when I return home. I guess it would be something of a “Welcome Home Party” for me, only it would be in December, almost 2 months after my return, because I won't be flying home to PA until then. I’ve been thinking that I want to do this for several reasons. First, so many of my family and friends have sent me letters and packages, written me e-mails, and kept me in their thoughts and prayers everyday, it would be nice to thank them. It would also be nice to get everyone together under one roof and tell them verbally that it was in large part because of their gestures that I got through every day with a smile on my face. Because I was smiling, it helped me to do my job better. Another reason I wanted to have this party was because I wanted to have some closure with this deployment. And as conceited as this may sound, I wanted to be welcomed home and recognized for a job well done, like so many of my other Marines. Sadly, someone close to me made a comment to me the other day that made me question these reasons. This person told me, “I honestly don't understand why you need to throw yourself a party to make yourself "feel welcomed home too". There are soldiers returning to the U.S. without limbs, you are lucky to have spent a lot of your time over there in a decent environment…you get to learn how to type, write a blog, create and send out DVDs, etc. I'm not saying that it's not a hardship to be over there, but you aren't exactly on the front lines...”. These comments made me very sad. Not only did it show a complete lack of understanding for what I’m going through, and a lack of recognition of my needs, but it made an assumption of knowing what it’s like over here, and knowing what it’s like to live Groundhog Day over and over…for 200 days in a row,…without consistent hot water or power,…wondering if you’re flight is going to get shot down,…seeing people’s legs blown off,…working 7 days a week, 14+ hours a day,…in 140 degree weather,…without the luxuries or even basic necessities that we take so much for granted at home. To quote my best friend Jan, who often tells it like it is, “Do you need a fu**ing limb blown off to have a party?? Yeah, you weren't out on the front lines, but for Christ's sake...do you NEED a purple heart??” Thanks Jan. That made me feel a little bit better.

I wonder who’s right though. And last night as I sat in my rack in the dark, trying to keep my roommates from knowing I was upset and teary eyed, I thought to myself, “Do I deserve a party? I haven’t been on the front lines…I haven’t had to fire my weapon at anyone…I’m not one of the amputees I saw in the Emergency Room.” But this morning when I woke up I had a change of attitude (as I often do first thing in the morning, especially after a good night of rest). My job out here has been important, and while I haven’t had to dodge bullets, I’ve contributed in many other ways – to the point where I know I’ve done my personal best and have worked harder than many of the other Flight Surgeons out here. I’ve addressed everyone’s concerns, no matter how small they may have been. While other Flight Docs have blown off their patients or chosen to ignore their concerns, I’ve validated the concerns of my Marines. When we get back to Hawaii, I’m going to personally make sure that any Marine with a complaint that I haven’t been able to address gets seen by a specialist. Furthermore, I’ve helped to break up the stress and monotony that developed out here by developing activities for my Marines. For example, our “Ugliest Transformation Contest”, whereby the Marines competed for 3 months to see who could transform their bodies the most by working out every day. Because I took the first step to reach out to relief organizations like the Soldiers Angels, I’ve managed to distribute lots of supplies (both necessities and luxuries) to our Marines. Because they had to come into Medical to get them (vice just dumping the packages we got in the MWR room), I had a chance to talk to my Marines every day. People looked forward to coming into Medical to see what “Doc got today”. I think just talking to these Marines everyday in some way made them feel better, like someone was paying attention to them - especially the ones without good support groups at home.

People have commented how they’ve been surprised at how few incidents there have been in the squadron throughout this deployment (i.e. – no suicide attempts, no major cases of deployment depression, no major injuries). While I can’t take full credit for this gold star, I’d like to think that I was instrumental in why this squadron has done considerably better than most. The people that do have problems tell me that there are Soldiers Angels that they write to that make them feel better and help get them through their day – this makes me feel great!

So no, I may not be on the front lines, and no, I may not be an amputee, but dammit, my job HAS been just as important – in different ways. So I’m over the insensitive comment that was posed to me. I don’t need anyone to validate me, and I don’t need a party to do that either (although that wasn’t the only reason for it). I feel great in my heart about the job I’ve done. As I sit here drinking some fresh coffee from my Peace mug that was sent to me, listening to one of my new favorite CDs (‘Andy Hunter’) also sent to me, I feel confident and proud. So to the individual that made that upsetting comment, you can make whatever plans you wish this holiday. My plans will not be involve you, revolve around you and I could care less what you do and who you do it with. I’m over it.

P.S. Congratulations Jan on getting the job at Temple!!!

Happy Birthday Jan!!!

First and foremost: Happy Birthday Jan! Today is Jan Cleaver's birthday (September 17th). For a quick update, she's successfully moved to Philadelphia with her boyfriend Anthony, she's currently job hunting - (but I know you've got that job at Temple in the bag J.C.!) and adjusting to the differences between Suburbia and City Life. I can't wait to see you again honey, I hope you have a spectacular birthday!!!

Let's see, some exciting news here from the front lines of Al Anbar province. After 2 months, the chow hall has switched from red jello to orange! Also, Chuck Norris came to base to pay everyone a visit yesterday, and while I personally didn't go to meet him, one of my colleagues went and said "Even though he must be like 70, he hasn't changed a bit and he still has his sandy colored hair!". In other news, I won a game of computerized Monopoly last week. It was very exciting. All that, AND I got sent new socks and shower sandals from some Soldiers Angels to help my Athlete's Foot (which is markedly improving)!

Alright, on a more serious note, it has been kind of busy here at work. I've been preparing a set of required briefs to give the squadron on tips how to transition from deployed life to home life. These "Return & Reunion Briefs" might seem second nature to some of us, but for other younger Marines they serve to remind them of what they can expect and what they shouldn't expect when they return. The period just after a deployment is often plagued with DUIs, Legal Infractions and screw ups which tend to have long term repercussions on the Marines. It's my job to prevent as many of these occurrences as possible from happening. I'm also conducting PDHAs (Post Deployment Health Assessments) this week. The purpose of these forms and interviews with every squadron member is to address any medical problem that may have come up during this deployment and also identify Post Traumatic Stress Disorder early enough to be identified and treated. I take this job very seriously - it is one of the most important things I do out here - Preventative Medicine.

35

The one photo is a view from Jan and Anthony's rooftop in Philly (taken last week), the other photo is of Jan and I taken by my sister during my PRE-deployment leave home. The final photo is of, well, uh, Jell-O (incidentally, orange is my least favorite flavor of Jell-O) :(

Just Day Dreamin'...

Same ole Same ole. Just day dreamin' of Mexico (view from the resort pictured above). Just day dreamin' of my new apartment in Waikiki. Just day dreamin' about what car I might get when I get back. (The latest ideas are the Acura TL Type S in Nighthawk Black Pearl OR the Infiniti G35 Sedan in Serengeti Sand - both top rated in Consumer Reports in their class - cast your votes now). Just day dreamin' about my nephew and niece (she just started pre-school yesterday). Just day dreamin' about Cheesecake Factory's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cheesecake (if you've never had it, you must try it or order one, I had a dream about eating a piece 2 nights ago). Just day dreamin', same ole same ole.

I'll leave everyone with this circulating e-mail passage, which upon further research comes from a man named Herbert W. Bryne, written in a book called "Sign of the Times". He writes:

America is typically represented by an eagle...

The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible) ( 9:11 ) - "For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; And there was peace."

(Note the verse number!)

I think my deceased grandmother put it best, ..."Who the hell knows".

Winter Wonderland / Sandy Summerland

Last night I went camping in the snow covered Rocky Mountains. When I woke up I heard the wind howling hard against my window pane. The light that shines through the cracks between my A/C and the blankets that cover the windows to block out the sun wasn’t its usual bright orange hue. It was dull and gray instead. The temperature of my room was especially cold this morning (my roommate has the crud and has been cranking up the A/C to deal with his night sweats). Amidst this setting I was suddenly taken to a far away place and time…

It was the height of winter in Nazareth, Pennsylvania, and although I knew the electric heaters were working by the sound they made clanging every 10 seconds, a chill still ran through my body as I lied there under the covers. A smile of excitement was on my face when I awoke to the sound of the wind howling against the windowpane of my childhood bedroom on Georgetown road. I knew at that moment that I was going to get out of the bed and when I opened the curtains I was going to see the first snow fall of the season! Sure enough, a full foot of snow had fallen while I slept and since the streets weren’t even visible, I knew school was cancelled for the day. I ran out of my room and to the front door, opening it briefly, almost as if I didn’t believe the vision of this Winter Wonderland through my bedroom window. Sure enough, all of my senses were involved now. I felt the brisk wind blow against my skin as goose bumps formed on my skinny little arms and legs. I smelt the crispness of the air. I saw up close how the snow was as high as my mailbox, and how it came past the first two steps of my porch (which I knew I’d be shoveling later). But what really made it real was the sound of the snow. You see, the sky was dark gray and the snow that was falling now wasn’t soft and fluffy. Instead, the precipitation was made up of tiny crystal beads that were covering the fluff that was already on the ground. The wind was tossing these beads around, making a specific sound as they bounced around on the frozen ground. Yes, this was a snow day at its best! And as I ran back into my room under the covers again, I smiled with excitement, knowing that the day would be filled with homemade chicken soup with those Pennsylvania Dutch fine egg noodles I loved so much, with hot chocolate and extra marshmallows on top that my mom would have ready for me after my sister Kelly and I would be done playing in the snow, or building a snowman, or making snow angels or even shoveling a path from our porch, to our driveway, to the road, so that when Jan came down to play in the afternoon she’d have a walkway to enter. Yep, I knew that in the afternoon Jan and I would trek down to the creek in our boots and try to walk across the frozen parts of it (and inevitably fall through the not so frozen parts). I gave a brief frown as I knew I’d have to bring wood up from the woodpile, but it quickly turned back into a smile when I knew that in the evening we’d light a fire in the fireplace and toast chestnuts on the top of it. I always loved the sound that the wood made when it cracked in the fireplace. It was so much better than the sound the electric heater made. Then just before bed I’d check the weather report to see if maybe, just maybe, this vacation day in winter wonderland could be extended for an additional, although slightly less magical day.

Yep, as I smiled in my cold bunk this morning with the sound of the wind howling outside I let this memory rush into my head. I didn’t want to get up under my cozy covers at all (and in fact I slept in an additional hour). But when I rose and left my barracks room, a couple of replacements had to be made. First, in contrast to the blizzard that I was experiencing moments prior, this was a wicked sandstorm that was howling outside, occluding the sun and making the sky a pale light grey. I stepped outside into it for a brief moment, as if disbelieving it through the windows of the barracks hall. Now the rest of my senses were sentenced to partake in this disgusting sandy plague. What I felt blowing briskly against my skin wasn’t just the wind, it was the sharp particles of sand that were blown up from the wind, cutting into my skin like tiny little razor blades. I took a deep breath to “smell” the morning air but realized this was a fatal mistake as the cilia (tiny hairs) in my nose quickly became overrun with sand and debris and my lungs gave out several unhappy coughs. I looked at the vision before me and saw that the first two steps leading down from the barracks were covered in sand. I felt the heat of the sun and as I looked up through the clouds I could see a glowing hot mass just barely visible through the clouds. I had to look away after a second because sand got into my eyes, letting the razor blades cut at my cornea. What really made this vision real was the sound of it all. Like the sound of the tiny crystal beads of snow in my Winter Wonderland, the tiny sharp razor blades of sand were blowing around, bouncing off each other, creating a similar sound, only this was a bit more harsh, and much less welcoming than the mild pain you’d feel when a little sleet landed on your face. Yep! This was a sand storm at its best! And as I ran back into the protection of the barracks again I frowned, knowing the day would be filled with things like wearing goggles to protect my eyes from blowing debris. I knew the food in the chow hall, like my red square of jello, would be a little grittier than normal. My hot chocolate would be replaced by extra bottled water to keep my scratchy throat from drying out. There would be no “playing” in this storm, and when I got off the bus at work, we’d all run – make a mad dash for the entrance of our building. Yep, I knew everything in my office was going to be covered in a thick layer of sand. The keys of my computer would be sandy, my coffee mug would be sandy, my skin, …sandy. I gave a brief smile as I knew the gym would be the one place whose air might be filtered enough to be clear, but that smile quickly turned back into a frown when I realized that the long walk to and from the gym would be treacherous and wicked. Then, just before taking the bus back to the barracks for the end of the day, I’d check with one of the pilots to see what the weather report would be for the following day, to see if this day in the summer sandstorm would be extended for an additional, and probably even worse, day.

Alas, being the weather buff I am, I loved it anyway and was quietly content with a number that stayed in my head throughout the day…43.

There’s a Fungus Among Us, A Virus Beside Us and If That Wasn’t Enough, Bush Is Here!

I haven’t been very lucky with holidays this deployment. Sickness strikes again! There’s a cold – a pesky little virus going around base, and as you can imagine, being a closed environment, things spread pretty quickly. Body aches, chills, congestion, sneezing, phlegm, all lasting a week to 10 days. I’m at day 4, and I think I had the worst of it last night. I couldn’t sleep at all and I just kept staring at the red digital clock …12:30, 1:30, 2:30, 3:30, 4:30. Finally at 0500 I turned on the TV and there was a fireworks show at Penn’s Landing that I decided to watch. It was pretty good, but fireworks just aren’t the same on television as they are in person.

So now I’m sucking on Halls, taking decongestants and I decided to look on the bright side – it’s easy to watch your weight when you don’t have an appetite! That bright side ended really fast though when I got out of the shower this morning and noticed that I had red bumps all over the soles of my feet and red patches on my ankles and on the top of my feet – yup, you guessed it, I finally got Athlete’s Foot! But as twisted as this may sound, it’s a good thing. I have to admit, there are quite a few Marines that I’m treating for Athlete’s Foot right now and when they come in for follow-up, I’ve been down playing it a little. (I mean, I treat everyone but when they don’t listen to your advice, you just want to say “Suck it up then!”) My point: it’s good for Doctors to get their patients’ ailments sometimes – it enables them to empathize that much more. I’m freakin’ out about my slightly itchy and red feet when there’s Marines with feet ten times worse than mine. Needless to say, I won’t be undermining their condition anymore.

I saw Air Force One yesterday. The President and the Joint Chief of Staff made an appearance on base yesterday and their plane landed right across the way from our squadron spaces. While I didn’t actually see the President, I wasn’t all that impressed with his plane. (It actually looked more impressive when Harrison Ford was attacking terrorists in it during the movie ‘Air Force One’, but then again, that was just a movie). I probably could have gone to his speech but opted to watch it on TV instead. He pretty much re-iterated what the other Generals that have visited here said. Basically, that Al Anbar province has become a model example of what we would like all of the provinces in Iraq to be like. That Suni tribes that used to pledge their allegiance to the insurgents and Al Queda, are now pledging their allegiance to Coalition forces and turning in the insurgents and forcing Al Queda out in the open where they can be captured. Yes, I do believe all of that is true and that makes me feel like we’re doing some good over here.

But yesterday I started thinking about what I would ask the President if I ran into him and he asked me outright, “Lieutenant, do you have a question for me, any question at all?” If afforded this rare opportunity, I think I might ask, “Do you know if there really is an Area 51 in Nevada and if an alien spaceship really DID crash on this planet decades ago?” Just kidding, we all know that’s true. Let’s see, I might use the opportunity to express some of the views that I know one of my colleagues would love to so delicately address, “I think your ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ Policy is complete bullshit. I mean, aren’t we way past the point in our development where a man or woman’s sexuality should have no bearing on whether they should be allowed to serve for their country? I mean, come on Mr. President, I know several gay active duty members – Jags, Officers, Martial Arts Instructors, Doctors – don’t you think it’s crap that they have to live their lives in secrecy because of your policy?” Alright, maybe I’d stick to something a little more practical and a pros pro, like “Do you honestly think that we’re going to establish a democracy for a country like Iraq whose socio-politico-infrastructure is based on a completely different fundamental than our own?” All in all, I think I’m kind of glad I didn’t run into him, although I would have liked to see him eat the Beef And Noodle entrée at our chow hall right before he gave his speech. (Yuk!)

I got 2 awesome care packages today. One was from my friend Steve and the other from my sister! Steve’s had some magazines in it, a CD (a DJ RJ blast from the past from the year 2000), some Swedish Fish, Pop Rocks Candy, a paddle ball and some snacks. Kelly’s had some pictures hand drawn from my niece Kiera (which I hung up), some gym clothes, some bubble yum bubble gum (another blast from my past) and some mail! These 2 packages really brightened up my day and they were just what I needed to make it through the 140 degree day with a cold and with itchy feet!

I finished a book my sister sent me entitled “Doctor On Everest” about a Doctor who ventures to join an expedition to summit the highest peak on the planet. I liked it a lot and it started to get me in the habit of reading at night before bed (that would make the 2nd book I’ve read since I’ve been here). While this may not seem significant, Jan will tell you that RJ doesn’t have the attention span nor the patience for reading. But I’ve been finding that I enjoy reading, and it helps me to calm down at the end of the day, to focus my thoughts and relax. I think this may be a good habit to bring back with me. The next book I plan on reading is called “On Call in Hell – A Doctor’s Iraq War Story”. A Soldier’s Angel sent it to me and for the life of me I can’t remember who (if you’re reading this now, remind me it was you, please and forgive my ignorance!) I have to mention that another Angel sent me a bible with some passages marked for me and I started reading a little bit of this bible today. One particular passage from Proverbs (16:9) I found particularly inspiring. It reads, “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his step.”

Well, I hope you all had a fantastic Labor Day weekend! I’ll leave you with this…I’m entertaining the idea of scrapping the Toyota Hybrid SUV and Jet Ski (because I’m hearing that areas to ride are severely restricted in Oahu) and buying a hot sports car instead! So if you were to buy a sports car, what would you buy???

P.S. Those aren’t my feet above, they’re one of my Marine’s. Just didn’t want you all to feel THAT bad for me. Also, I didn't take that picture of Bush, I got it off the internet.