Tears of a Clown?

Last night I started reading a book that one of the Soldier’s Angels sent entitled ‘On Call in Hell – A Doctor’s Iraqi War Story’. In it, this Doc was responding to a Corpsman who was shot in the chest in Fallujah. So with bullets whizzing past him left and right, he ventured through the city with a small group of Marines in order to rescue the injured Corpsman. Lying in my rack with my headlamp reflecting some red light off of the page to read, I started to have some really depressing thoughts. Transient as they were, it made me think about how useless my job here has been – how I really haven’t done much here and how I haven’t been on the front lines fighting or rescuing anyone. At that moment, for the first time during this deployment, a tear fell from my eye.

The past 2 days I’ve been giving briefs to the squadron, along with the Chaplain, and yesterday the Chaplain made some interesting comments. He said, “This has been the dullest deployment. It has been truly boring, but that boredom has brought with it its own type of stress.” He went on to explain that it can take a toll on Marines to live in the same 2 mile radius of land day in and day out with nothing to do. Finding creative things to do is very important for everyone’s physical and mental well-being. It suddenly made me think about some of the things I’ve done with my deployment – try to learn how to type (an unsuccessful endeavor), make a movie about all of my friends (success), hit the gym a lot and get a great, in-shape body (success), keep a blog (success), write to relief organizations like the Soldier’s Angels, etc. I started thinking that there are different types of strength – that it can take just as much strength to do your job every day to the best of your ability and with pride in such a harsh environment in the same 2 miles of land as it can to be closer to harm’s way in the "front lines". Now I know that pretty much everyone would agree they’d rather be here than being shot at in Baghdad, but the two scenarios are apples and oranges. And it’s not fair to compare one to the other, since each is filled with its own unique challenges.

The Marines that I have had the honor of working with over the past 7 months have shown incredible resolve. No, they haven’t been on the front lines, losing limbs and firing against Iraqi insurgents in hand-to-hand combat, but we have been flying on missions where insurgents have shot at our choppers trying to shoot us down. We have transported insurgents who have stared us down with suspicious looks just waiting for us to show a moment of weakness so that they could take advantage of it. We have driven past IEDs right here on base without knowing it. Would that be considered “the front lines”? It certainly doesn’t make our picture any prettier than the picture of the Doctor in Fallujah, and I certainly don’t think Marines should be any less praised or recognized for their accomplishments when they return home, just because they didn’t use their rifle…

I was giving some thought to throwing a holiday party when I return home. I guess it would be something of a “Welcome Home Party” for me, only it would be in December, almost 2 months after my return, because I won't be flying home to PA until then. I’ve been thinking that I want to do this for several reasons. First, so many of my family and friends have sent me letters and packages, written me e-mails, and kept me in their thoughts and prayers everyday, it would be nice to thank them. It would also be nice to get everyone together under one roof and tell them verbally that it was in large part because of their gestures that I got through every day with a smile on my face. Because I was smiling, it helped me to do my job better. Another reason I wanted to have this party was because I wanted to have some closure with this deployment. And as conceited as this may sound, I wanted to be welcomed home and recognized for a job well done, like so many of my other Marines. Sadly, someone close to me made a comment to me the other day that made me question these reasons. This person told me, “I honestly don't understand why you need to throw yourself a party to make yourself "feel welcomed home too". There are soldiers returning to the U.S. without limbs, you are lucky to have spent a lot of your time over there in a decent environment…you get to learn how to type, write a blog, create and send out DVDs, etc. I'm not saying that it's not a hardship to be over there, but you aren't exactly on the front lines...”. These comments made me very sad. Not only did it show a complete lack of understanding for what I’m going through, and a lack of recognition of my needs, but it made an assumption of knowing what it’s like over here, and knowing what it’s like to live Groundhog Day over and over…for 200 days in a row,…without consistent hot water or power,…wondering if you’re flight is going to get shot down,…seeing people’s legs blown off,…working 7 days a week, 14+ hours a day,…in 140 degree weather,…without the luxuries or even basic necessities that we take so much for granted at home. To quote my best friend Jan, who often tells it like it is, “Do you need a fu**ing limb blown off to have a party?? Yeah, you weren't out on the front lines, but for Christ's sake...do you NEED a purple heart??” Thanks Jan. That made me feel a little bit better.

I wonder who’s right though. And last night as I sat in my rack in the dark, trying to keep my roommates from knowing I was upset and teary eyed, I thought to myself, “Do I deserve a party? I haven’t been on the front lines…I haven’t had to fire my weapon at anyone…I’m not one of the amputees I saw in the Emergency Room.” But this morning when I woke up I had a change of attitude (as I often do first thing in the morning, especially after a good night of rest). My job out here has been important, and while I haven’t had to dodge bullets, I’ve contributed in many other ways – to the point where I know I’ve done my personal best and have worked harder than many of the other Flight Surgeons out here. I’ve addressed everyone’s concerns, no matter how small they may have been. While other Flight Docs have blown off their patients or chosen to ignore their concerns, I’ve validated the concerns of my Marines. When we get back to Hawaii, I’m going to personally make sure that any Marine with a complaint that I haven’t been able to address gets seen by a specialist. Furthermore, I’ve helped to break up the stress and monotony that developed out here by developing activities for my Marines. For example, our “Ugliest Transformation Contest”, whereby the Marines competed for 3 months to see who could transform their bodies the most by working out every day. Because I took the first step to reach out to relief organizations like the Soldiers Angels, I’ve managed to distribute lots of supplies (both necessities and luxuries) to our Marines. Because they had to come into Medical to get them (vice just dumping the packages we got in the MWR room), I had a chance to talk to my Marines every day. People looked forward to coming into Medical to see what “Doc got today”. I think just talking to these Marines everyday in some way made them feel better, like someone was paying attention to them - especially the ones without good support groups at home.

People have commented how they’ve been surprised at how few incidents there have been in the squadron throughout this deployment (i.e. – no suicide attempts, no major cases of deployment depression, no major injuries). While I can’t take full credit for this gold star, I’d like to think that I was instrumental in why this squadron has done considerably better than most. The people that do have problems tell me that there are Soldiers Angels that they write to that make them feel better and help get them through their day – this makes me feel great!

So no, I may not be on the front lines, and no, I may not be an amputee, but dammit, my job HAS been just as important – in different ways. So I’m over the insensitive comment that was posed to me. I don’t need anyone to validate me, and I don’t need a party to do that either (although that wasn’t the only reason for it). I feel great in my heart about the job I’ve done. As I sit here drinking some fresh coffee from my Peace mug that was sent to me, listening to one of my new favorite CDs (‘Andy Hunter’) also sent to me, I feel confident and proud. So to the individual that made that upsetting comment, you can make whatever plans you wish this holiday. My plans will not be involve you, revolve around you and I could care less what you do and who you do it with. I’m over it.

P.S. Congratulations Jan on getting the job at Temple!!!