Dov'é L'amore? Dov'é amore mio?

I’m not so sure where to begin with this one. I’ve been at a loss for words for the last 3 days trying to figure out how to express what I’ve been feeling, ever since I returned from San Francisco. I’ve been walking around lonely, took myself out to dinner the last 2 nights, sat alone, I even treated myself to Cold Stone Ice Cream…nothing worked. Then finally, last night, I broke down. I needed to. I went out and tied quite a few back. (Thank you Victor for your text message - “That’s really healthy, isn’t it RJ?”) Worse, my choice of time and place for the breakdown was less than appropriate – drunk at 1 am on my ex’s balcony. This happened to be the ex who I hurt because I was in love with someone else (not the Hawaiian). I cried, sobbed, tears streaming down my eyes falling 18 floors to some unsuspecting Chinese tourists who thought it was some “Mauka” island showers. But I woke up this morning feeling fantastic. Guess I needed to get it out…

To be in love is an amazing thing. If you have to ask yourself if you’re in love, then you’re probably not. Trust me; you’ll know it when you are. It’s overwhelming, it’s consuming, and it makes you do crazy things. It makes you smile at the end of your day before bed when you think about that person. But when it’s taken away, when love isn’t permissible, it can be the worst low you’ll ever experience…

I’m not used to not getting want I want. Besides being a very lucky person (my sister Kelly can attest to this), I have a great attitude and always tell myself that anything is possible. There’s nothing I can’t do, can’t have or can’t figure out. There’s always a positive solution. But life threw me a curve ball 2 months ago in the shape of a beautiful Italian who we’ll call “M”. We me in Cancun and I would have sworn that it would have ended there. What was intended to be a one night stand, turned into an amazing week of companionship, hook-ups, friendship, laughter and ultimately love. You never know where you’re going to meet someone – but to all the single people out there I’ll tell you this – it’s when you least expect it!

When I watched M drive off that last day in Cancun, a tear fell down my face. I wondered how I could have gotten so emotionally involved in someone in 1 week, and I also wondered if it was one sided. Was I being silly? I mean, M has a boyfriend of 7 years – they own a business together, they want to have kids together, they’ve built a life together, and while I don’t fully understand their “open” relationship – i.e. – either can go out and have hook ups just to get their rocks off – it seems to have worked without repercussion, up until now that is. Enter RJ.

So with an ocean between us, I wasn’t worried. It was a vacation crush, nothing more. I mean, when would I be going back to San Fran anyway? But as I returned from Cancun I received a voicemail from my friend Josh, “Hey, hope you had fun in Cancun, don’t forget to book your ticket to San Fran for my birthday weekend on the 4th of July”. Suddenly there was hope again, hope of what I don’t know. A wise Lieutenant once told me “Without hope there’s no disappointment”. (Actually I think that was LT Paris from Star Trek Voyger, but anyway…) It’s true.

So in the interim between Cancun and San Fran I grew closer and closer with M. Eventually we were calling each other every day, texting 10+ times a day – I mean, M became a part of my daily routine, my life. I stayed guarded, but was looking forward to San Fran, not just for Josh’s birthday, but to see M again. Then the day arrived…

Trying to go to bed the night before leaving for San Francisco was worse than being ten years old and trying to go to bed the night before my family would take their annual trip to the Jersey Shore (the last week in July every summer). I laid there with a huge smile on my face, excited, my entire body buzzing with anticipation. The next day on the plane I could hardly keep in my seat. And when the flight attendant said “We’ll be landing in 15 minutes”, I started smiling and laughing, envisioning what it would be like to see M again. I wasn’t even supposed to see M until the next day, but as I left the gate and walked towards baggage claim, there M was – standing with a huge smile on face. From that moment I could tell it was mutual. We couldn’t even wait to get to the baggage claim before we were in each other’s arms in the airport, kissing, hugging. A second tear filled my eye – so happy and excited. It was the best feeling in the world. I can’t describe how good I felt in that moment. It was like Christmas morning, like the first bite of Mrs. Cleaver’s homemade Peach Crumb Pie, like blowing out the candles on your 21st birthday cake, - better than passing my Medical Boards, better even than stepping off the plane from Iraq and having all our friends and family greet us with flags, banners and cheer. It was amazing!

The weekend progressed and we spent the entire day together Friday. We held hands, horsed around, kissed every other minute (in pubic none the less, but hey, it was San Fran), smiled at each other non-stop. And every time we looked into each other’s eyes, our gaze grew deeper and deeper. By the end of the day we knew what was happening. When the last day came, M looked at me and said “I’m totally in love with you, I don’t know how this happened”. I said the same. How did it happen? And what we were going to do about it?

The solution: no contact for one month. No calls, e-mails, text messages, letters, nothing. We needed to get over each other and this was the only way we knew how. Seeing as how I’m leaving tomorrow for a military deployment for a few weeks and I’ll be on a ship in the middle of the Pacific, I thought this would be feasible, maybe even easy, but it hasn’t been. When M left that night, I didn’t even make it all the way back to my hotel room before the tears started streaming down my face, and by the time I was back in the room, I was balling like a little girl. I grabbed a pillow and just laid there, crying on the couch. My friend Kathryn, the only girl in all the pictures I posted, came up to console me. When she knocked on the door I answered and said, “I’m warning you, it’s a pretty ugly scene in here”. She said “GAY DOWN!”

The last 3 days I tried to distract myself, tried to focus on this upcoming deployment, how much fun I’ll be having – this will be the first time on a ship in the entire 7 years of my Navy Career! I’ll get to do some flying, can focus on the gym, work off the incredible food I had in San Francisco, it would be great – but I couldn’t convince myself. I locked myself in the bedroom, ignored my roommate, took long baths, and slept a lot – jeez, I was a mess….until the e-mail came…

It was M. “So I know I’m breaking the rules, but I feel like our ban is very Carrie Bradshaw – and I’m worried that in a month, not only will our feelings be gone (which is the goal), but our need for a friendship will wane as well. I don’t want that to happen…so –I’m just saying hey”. It was Christmas Morning again. But last night, I still lost in, on my ex’s balcony. I’ve always said that bottling up your emotions is never a good thing, and last night, I got them all out.

So where do M and I stand now? What should I do now? Well, what would Karen Yamada say about all this? I mean, after almost a year, she and I finally met for lunch my first day in San Fran (it was one of the highlights of the trip and the food and wine we had – OMG!). But I digress. I think Karen would tell me to be careful. Keep in touch with M, but maybe lighten it all up a bit. But I also think there’s a part of her that would say “You never know when the love bug is going to strike”. 

So here I am, the night before leaving. To M – you’ve changed my life more than you’ll ever know. I think I’ve only ever felt so crazy about someone once before (and I’m fresh out of Aloha with that one.) I feel like you’re going to be a part of my life forever (in some way). “You’re on my heart just like a tattoo, I’ll always have you”. Thanks for breaking the ban. It WAS very Carrie Bradshaw. Lol. Let’s just be careful though, ok? To Josh – thanks for an amazing weekend brother! I can’t wait to be your roommate again! I’ll never forget the Limmo ride, Sam, “the ugly bars of San Fran bar crawl”, the bowl of crème (Kathryn, it DID change my life), the jazz festival, dinner, the balloon release, “T minus 5 minutes”, the “C” rings, and of course – Crossroads (where it all began).

I’ll catch everyone on the flipside at the end of July. I won’t have my phone on and will have limited e-mail access, but you can send e-mail to matyasrj@lhd6.navy.mil (this is my e-mail account while on board) and I might be able to get it.

Aloha!